Monday, December 04, 2006

Dirty Jobs

Being a mom has to be one of the most disgusting jobs there is. Mike Rowe talks about poo like it's no big deal because he sees a lot of it. I still think I've been in more poo than he could shake a stick at, and that' s only the beginning. If Discovery channel wanted to air an episode of a really dirty job, it would go something like this...

*Mike Rowe on his hands and knees, cleaning up the mess that results when your 5 year old busts into your bedroom at 2 am and says "Mom, my tummy HURRLLLAAAHH." A bucket of water and a rag seem pointless when looking at at least 5 different puddles with visible mandarin orange pulp and spaghetti Os mingling with the hair in the carpet that shouldn't be there except that the maid - also known as mom - rarely vacuums upstairs (or downstairs).

*Mike makes some snappy joke about poo while he cleans doggie diarrhea from the carpet in an unused bedroom that the dog decided to use as a bathroom one night when she was sick and didn't bother asking to be let out. He would need to be pregnant and gagging as he scooped the stuff into a bucket and gazed hopelessly around the room, seriously considering just walking away, locking the room up and never using it again.

*A particularly comical scene would be when Mike would have to strip naked in the kitchen because a baby has just barfed all over both him and herself, then go cry in the bathtub with the baby because it is the third time this has happened today.

*Have Mike steam clean the carpet, then have a 2 year old dump a 44 oz soda on it before it's even dry. Also, the same 2 year old should pour toilet bowl cleaner with bleach on the same carpet. It would be funny to watch Mike frantically scrubbing to try to get the bleach out of the carpet before it starts to change colors. Then he would be seen pushing a bean bag chair over the spot where he wasn't quick enough.

*They could have Mike crawling around on the kitchen floor, picking up roly poly maggots, fat and yellow after they escape from the trash that had flies (and apparently fly eggs) in it. It would be fun to watch him as he discovers that the disgusting creatures had made their way into a pile of towels that were waiting by the washer and then has to pluck their fat little bodies from deep within the strands of terry cloth while trying not to squish them between his fingers. He would then continue to pick up stray maggots here and there throughout the day and then dream of maggots at night.

*Finally, Mike could do a scene where he has to pull about 30 fat, juicy ticks off of the dog. The best part would be when he mistakenly thinks that a good way to dispose of the ticks is to step on them and he gets bug guts and dog blood spattered on his face and hair. Then, after all that work, 3 days later he has to do it all over again because the ticks are back, more numerous than ever and they are piled up in between each and every one of the dogs toes. And he's pregnant.

During all of his scenes, Mike Rowe should smell like something gross, such as baby puke or poo and there should be something sticky in his hair. And there should be someone asking him for a drink or a snack the whole time.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Friends in Great Places



This past week Nate has been in sports overload. Tuesday flying to LaLa land for a Suns Lakers game and driving back Friday for a Suns Clippers game (both of which the Suns lost). Even though we didn't get to go to the Clippers game, I don't think he will be going again soon as it may be a sign of bad luck to go to a Suns game in LA. We did however get to hang out with Ryan and Michelle at their house this weekend. The kids love playing together in fact Jane never stops talking about Emily. We had a great time.

(Are you happy now? You know who you are.)

Friday, August 18, 2006

Posers

Jane and Lucy like to pose for pictures and then run to look at them on the digital camera. I usually only get one shot of any given photo op because they don't stay there long enough for another one. They are already on their way over to see the results! It's scary how much these kids are growing. It's hard (thankfully) to remember Jane as a barfing infant or when Lucy was "sleep training" so that she would nap for longer than 23 minutes at a time.

Look What I Did!


Sometimes I revert back to about 5 years old, like when I needed my mother to "watch me go down the slide". I am shocked at the results I have gotten from crocheting since I learned how last Christmastime. See how cool these hat and booties are! It was easy. I actually learned how to crochet the modern way - from the internet. Which got me thinking about all of the things (both useful and utterly useless) that I have learned from the internet. I have not put all of these things to practical use, but nevertheless I know how to do them should the need arise.

21 Things I Have Learned How to Do from the Internet

1. How to crochet
2. How to hang drywall
3. How to make real Italian tomato sauce
4. How to install sheet vinyl flooring
5. How to teach my dog to behave
6. How to lay a pavestone walkway (with or without a concrete slab)
7. How to build a drystacked stone retainer wall
8. How to make homemade bread
9. How to order, pour and finish concrete
10. How to lay a ceramic tile floor
11. How to select and install a wood floor
12. How to patch drywall
13. How to make candy suckers
14. How to pronounce Richard Neutra (It's NOY-tra)
15. The works of furniture designers Harry Bertoia, Charles and Ray Eames, and George Nelson
16. Different types of furniture joinery
17. How to create my own typeface
18. How to hang grasscloth wallpaper
19. How to grill corn on the cob
20. How to perform a breast augmentation
21. How to install cable railing

That's all I can think of off the top of my head. There's lots more. My sisters think I'm really smart. My secret is that I will read ANYTHING. I guess one might say that I waste a lot of time reading stuff on the internet, but you know I'm the girl you'll want to have around if you decide to get a boob job.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Responsibility

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Two Parties

Katelyn's bridal shower was here at our house yesterday. I wanted to be the one to throw her a shower because I am so happy that she is getting married - and to someone I like. I'm happy that she has come around to the person I knew she always was underneath all the bad attitude and bad choices.

After the shower, I had to hurry over to the public pool for a ward party that I was in charge of. Nate had the kids over at his parents' for the day and they were still on their way back, so I went by myself. I don't realize how lame I am by myself until I don't have my husband with me. How did I ever bring myself to socialize with people before I was married? I stood there with a plate in my hand like a dummy. I eventually went and sat next to a sister that I know (wish we were better friends, but she's older than me and I don't know if she's into it) and stayed there until it was time to go. Fun activity though. Lot's of people. Fun was had by all. Bishop jumped in from the diving board. That was FELT by all.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Cool Down


Jane went to bed with a card from Emily under her pillow. Lucy went to bed with a photo of Mommy and Grandma in her hand. At least they are in bed.

Over the weekend, we took our pop up trailer camping near Show Low at a place called Fool Hollow lake. It rained most of the first day, so we stayed inside and played cards and ate junk. It's nice to have the add-a-room that zips onto the awning because the girls can run in and out of the trailer to play outside, even when it's raining. It also allows us to keep the dog outside of the trailer. Camping with the trailer has been so much better than tent camping. Hooray trailer! We tried fishing, but we didn't manage to catch anything. Jane practiced casting by herself. Each time, she would rate the cast by giving her dad a thumbs up or a thumbs down. Hopefully we will have other opportunities to fish before it gets cold. We still haven't caught anything and we went fishing at least 5 times toward the end of last year.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

The Beginning


I'm sitting here smashing ants which, for some reason, are running across the computer desk, trying to decide how to begin. Whenever I write in my journal, I always feel like I'm writing to someone, even though it's unlikely anyone will read it in my lifetime. Here, I have a place to write things that are meant to be read. I think if I leave all the dead ants here on the desk, the un-dead ones will see them and stay away.


There are lot's of things I could say, but there will be plenty of other posts. This photo of Lucy after having eaten paint just about sums up my life right now.