Dirty Jobs

Being a mom has to be one of the most disgusting jobs there is. Mike Rowe talks about poo like it's no big deal because he sees a lot of it. I still think I've been in more poo than he could shake a stick at, and that' s only the beginning. If Discovery channel wanted to air an episode of a really dirty job, it would go something like this...

*Mike Rowe on his hands and knees, cleaning up the mess that results when your 5 year old busts into your bedroom at 2 am and says "Mom, my tummy HURRLLLAAAHH." A bucket of water and a rag seem pointless when looking at at least 5 different puddles with visible mandarin orange pulp and spaghetti Os mingling with the hair in the carpet that shouldn't be there except that the maid - also known as mom - rarely vacuums upstairs (or downstairs).

*Mike makes some snappy joke about poo while he cleans doggie diarrhea from the carpet in an unused bedroom that the dog decided to use as a bathroom one night when she was sick and didn't bother asking to be let out. He would need to be pregnant and gagging as he scooped the stuff into a bucket and gazed hopelessly around the room, seriously considering just walking away, locking the room up and never using it again.

*A particularly comical scene would be when Mike would have to strip naked in the kitchen because a baby has just barfed all over both him and herself, then go cry in the bathtub with the baby because it is the third time this has happened today.

*Have Mike steam clean the carpet, then have a 2 year old dump a 44 oz soda on it before it's even dry. Also, the same 2 year old should pour toilet bowl cleaner with bleach on the same carpet. It would be funny to watch Mike frantically scrubbing to try to get the bleach out of the carpet before it starts to change colors. Then he would be seen pushing a bean bag chair over the spot where he wasn't quick enough.

*They could have Mike crawling around on the kitchen floor, picking up roly poly maggots, fat and yellow after they escape from the trash that had flies (and apparently fly eggs) in it. It would be fun to watch him as he discovers that the disgusting creatures had made their way into a pile of towels that were waiting by the washer and then has to pluck their fat little bodies from deep within the strands of terry cloth while trying not to squish them between his fingers. He would then continue to pick up stray maggots here and there throughout the day and then dream of maggots at night.

*Finally, Mike could do a scene where he has to pull about 30 fat, juicy ticks off of the dog. The best part would be when he mistakenly thinks that a good way to dispose of the ticks is to step on them and he gets bug guts and dog blood spattered on his face and hair. Then, after all that work, 3 days later he has to do it all over again because the ticks are back, more numerous than ever and they are piled up in between each and every one of the dogs toes. And he's pregnant.

During all of his scenes, Mike Rowe should smell like something gross, such as baby puke or poo and there should be something sticky in his hair. And there should be someone asking him for a drink or a snack the whole time.